Hidden (open)

[.:Lion:.]

Warning! What you are about to read is emotional and contains many thoughts of suicide, depression, and other serious matters I am not at all familiar with. If you don't feel like reading a downer, this is not the post for you. You have been warned.

Everything was cold. So cold. The sun hung overhead, as obvious and bright as always. Why did she no longer feel its warmth? Why did the world no longer speak to her in soft whispers, in gentle caresses of wind and sunlight? No, now all she felt was humidity and rain and the stagnant cold, even on a sunny day such as this. Perhaps she was finally becoming what fate had designed her to be: truly cursed.

Cursedangel looked out over the territory from her perch on the fallen log, her expression as blank as a canvas, but not so pure. Grief and agony had left their lines upon her face, as apparent as the bold stripes that ran across the varying shades of her grey pelt. Her eyes, a solemn grey, smoky like the eyes of a blind snake, as empty as the eyes of dead prey. She had not always been so lifeless, but life had beaten out of her every semblance of emotion slowly, painfully, tear by heart-wrenching tear through her fragile heart. Now, she was stone. She was less than alive. She was in constant, agonizing despair, with no foreseeable way to escape. Her sister often expressed that she knew her. That Cursedangel was just hurting and needed time. But Lilithnight didn't understand. She'd been used, as Cursedangel had. She'd suffered a similar pain. But in the end, Cursedangel's experiences had differed in one small but crucial way, and that single difference was the determinant of their ways, their persons. Lilithnight was friendly, open, honest. Even if she was timid and naive, she wasn't judgmental or mean-spirited. She didn't blame anyone for what she had gone through. Cursedangel did not blame anyone either. But she was closed off from the world, perhaps forever. The depth of her pain was unfathomable, even to her sister. And though Lilithnight thought she knew Cursedangel, she didn't. She didn't even have any idea what sort of thoughts ran through her sister's head.

Like thoughts of how it would feel if she let go of the fallen log and fell down that ravine. Would she land on a rock? Would it hurt when her spine broke? Or would she land in the water, the breath forced from her by the cold current? Would she drown slowly, painfully, or would she just drift off into a peaceful, cold sleep? And what then? What would happen after she closed her eyes for the final time? Would she see them, her nameless kin that had meant so much to her in the few moments they'd lived? Her father, strong and proud as she'd always imagined him to be? Cursedangel almost wished for a darkness without any happy reunions. Would it be fair to be happy in death? Would it make living every heartbreakingly painful moment up to her passing worth it? Who knew - who could know?

Cursedangel's eyes looked foggier than ever, and if a cat did not know her well they would suspect she could not see the canyon, could not know what fate waited in store for her if she moved even an inch. She lowered her head and opened her mouth to scream, to call out in pure agony and rent her despair upon the wind. But as it had been many moons ago when she had lost them, so it was now. Silence, her throat tight and her entire body heaving with the effort of holding back her grief. Cursedangel bowed her head, resting it on the log. Just one step. One step and it would all end. Then she thought of her sister, the only thing holding her to this world. Her despair ebbed into the sadly familiar dull ache as a fierce determination gripped her. She stood, resolved. She would not die today, though she longed for it. She would not die yet, for her sister's sake, if anything. Perhaps she was a coward. But she had a purpose, however small and insignifigant that purpose was. Closing her eyes, Cursedangel sent a prayer to her father, thanking him for the strength he'd sent her. Then every trace of her suffering dissolved from her face, her walls back in their rightful positions, keeping the world unaware of her sufferings.

And so she breathed, lived, saw, felt, hid.

[lonetear]

Paws fell silently against the ground, blue eyes watching the world around her. Light gray ears pricked forward as she listened for any sound, even the most quiet of noises. All she wanted was to be alone, that was the reason she was listening so intently to everything, why her eyes searched the landscape, why her steps were so quiet. Memorypool wanted to get away from everything and be alone for awhile without the distractions of camp and the other cats.

She had wandered far this time, farther then she normally had to go. It seemed like every cat was out of camp doing something today, whether it be training their apprentices or hunting, marking the territory borders. It seemed like she would have no peace today. Each time she had neared someplace she thought would be secluded, places that normally were, she found herself stumbling into the company of other cats. Though she respected each and every one of them and considered them her new family she still didn't want to spend every waking moment in their company. She was loyal to Skyclan, but she still had a desire to have time to herself.

Taking a deep breath she pushed on, moving deeper and deeper into their territory and farther from the crowded camp. Her mind had one goal, nothing else mattered at the moment save for finding someplace quiet. She needed to think and be alone. Though she sometimes used the time she spent hunting to think it often distracted her, leaving her with a mess of thoughts when she finally settled down for the night. And if she did manage to think while hunting it took away from her skills, making her fail to catch as much and her clan needed food more then she needed to waste good pray over thinking.

Unbidden, thoughts of her past surfaced, the horror of the tiny cold bodies she had tried so hard to lick warm, the little scraps of fur that she had spent so much time caring for even before they were born. The kits she had spent only days with before they were killed, her precious little ones whose lives had just begun, their lights snuffed out by her own sister. Her mate blaming her, believing her sister's lies like the rest of her clan. The betrayal hurt, though not as much as the loss of her kits. Then the separation from her clan, then branding her an outcast, having no one to turn to to ease her pain. Her own sister taking the tom that was once her mate, the look of happiness and delight in her sister's eyes at causing her such pain. Finally she had left, no longer having any reason to stay in her broken clan.

Struggling she pushed all feeling away, continuing to trudge onward. Pain rolled through her in waves, she wanted to just give up, to not have to be like this anymore. She didn't belong here, there were even a few cats that openly showed their dislike for her for being from a different clan. There were many that cared for her and the kits didn't even know she wasn't from Skyclan. And though she was always loyal, fighting to feed and protect her clan she still had that feeling of not belonging, of being an unwanted visitor to the clan.

There were even places in camp that she avoided as much as possible. The sight of the kits in the nursery was enough to drive her away from there. It made her feel her loss all the more. Memories of her own little kits surfaced upon seeing them. The tiny silver tabby that would someday look just like her, the dark colored tom who would grow to look like his father, the two white bundles that stood out among the mostly dark colored cats of the clan. Their warmth against her belly the first few days, their tiny mews of anger when she moved, their little rumbling purrs when she licked them clean. It was all gone, she would never have that feeling of warmth and love again. And the sight of seeing the kits with their own mothers made her want hers back even more. Some found her strange for not wanting to see the newest members of the clan, while the others crowded around to wait for their turn to enter and greet the little kits she left to go hunting. When they first exited the nursery she made an effort to be as far from them as possible. When they had their apprentice ceremony she sat as far from them as possible, staying on the edges of camp. It made her think of what could have been, how proud she would have been when they took their first steps, when they first left the nursery, when they became apprentices and warriors.

Now flat out running, she bolted blindly, not caring where she ended up, not caring if she fell and got hurt. She just wanted to escape the memories. Paws skidded around a corner and somehow she saw the cat before her before barreling into them and making them both fall to their doom in the river below. Immediately she became a different cat, her mask coming up out of nowhere. In a calm voice she spoke, happy that no emotions made it tremor. "I'm sorry, I'm not intruding am I?"

[.:Lion:.]

The sound of pawsteps met her ears, as ominous as dark clouds. Her paws brought her away from the log, back onto the soft grass, away from the ravine and the deathly fall that she had pondered taking. Her movements were stiff, robotic, her eyes as empty as mists, with even greater secrets hidden in their depths. She waited and watched as a she-cat smelling of her Clan emerged, looking frantic and panicked. But in a moment, all was silence, stony cold expression. Cursedangel knew that look – of course she did; it was her own defense against the pain. She would ask no questions. She would make no judgments. For here, she could see in that short moment that this she-cat knew something of what it meant to suffer. It was small, but it made them sisters, in a way. And no matter how dead Cursedangel’s heart had become, no matter how distanced she was, she would never forget to honor the tragedies and trials of others. That was one thing she would not do.

”No,” she said in a voice that was as dead as a voice could be, her expression unchanging. She closed her mouth firmly, the muscles in her jaw flexing as if it hurt to move them. She rarely spoke to other cats unless directly addressed, and sometimes not even then. But Lilithnight was not here to tell this she-cat what Cursedangel was thinking, so what could she do but reply? She would not ignore the she-cat, whose name was something like Memorypool, if Cursedangel recalled correctly. Cursedangel’s cold grey eyes examined the other she-cat’s face, searching for telltale signs of what sort of pain she had experienced. But those eyes gave away nothing. They were as cold as Cursedangel’s, or at least very close. She would not ask. How could she, when she shuddered to even revisit her own pain in her mind? How could she invite that pain upon anyone else? She couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

And suddenly Cursedangel was seeing the scenes she desperately wanted to forget. She was crouching in an alley, terribly weak, trying her best to keep the little kits warm. But she was small and helpless by herself, what could she do? She couldn’t leave them to hunt, and without food, her milk was running dry. As the hours wore on slowly, painfully, Cursedangel watched as her world slipped away. First was the little tomkit, whose fur resembled hers. She cried bitterly when his breathing stopped, and she began to fight to keep his little sister alive. But it was only a day later when she died, as well. Cursedangel, starving and alone, had remained crouched beside her dead kits for days, until Lilithnight found her. And the memory of those kits was like a raw wound, bleeding profusely from Cursedangel’s beaten and battered heart. Sooner or later, the blood would stop running. It had to. It had to.

While she was feeling these things, there came a small chink in the armor that masked her face, seen in a flash of deep pain that filled her eyes with overwhelming despair and agony. But it was a moment, only a moment, and it passed, the expression replaced by its cold, uncaring disguise. She would ask no questions. She would answer no questions. Such was her world now.

[lonetear]

Memorypool was a bit surprised to see Cursedangel, a cat from her own clan that she had rarely encountered during her time there. From what she knew of her the she-cat was cold and distant with every cat, the only one she really was ever around was her sister. It made her curious as to why she was like that, but she knew better then to pry, knew what it was like for others to question you ceaselessly, dragging up painful thoughts and memories that were better left buried.

She immediately recognized the blankness in her clanmate's eyes, the same blank expression that she herself often wore. It was almost frightening, like she was looking at her own reflection. She wondered what her clanmate's thought of her, none really knew of her past, only that she had been close to death when she had been found and taken in. Were they frightened of her cold exterior? Though she was willing to die for the cats that were kind and took her in she still kept her distance from them. Did they wonder if she would betray them someday? These questions blurred in her mind as she gazed at Cursedangel. Perhaps one day they would become friends and share their darkest secrets, but until then she would leave well enough alone, not wanting to bother the she-cat and cause her any pain.

She felt a spike of jealously run through her. At least she had a sister that cared for her. A sister that wanted her to be happy. It wasn't her sister that had cause all of her pain. She immediately felt horrible for these feelings, she didn't know what kind of pain this cat had gone through, what events had taken place earlier in her life. It wasn't fair to judge or be jealous of her.

She barely heard her single word as caught up as she was in her own thoughts. But the cold dead voice broke through it all, bringing her attention back to the real world. So much pain was masked behind the mask, she could tell that much though Cursedangel did a good job of hiding it. Maybe it was because they both knew such pain that they were able to tell this about the other. Though they both tried to push it away it was still there, it always would be .

A sharp flash of pain in her companion's eyes brought back more memories of her own past. A dull ache formed in her chest and her own feelings reflected in her eyes, they're cold blue depths softening for just a moment. Pain, fear, regret, empathy for Cursedangel. It all appeared for a moment before she turned her eyes to the ground, looking at the hard ground beneath her paws.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel caught the same emotions running through Memorypool's eyes, like staring into the stream by the camp and seeing that sad reflection. And in that moment, Cursedangel felt a question forming on her lips - or maybe many questions. Where had Memorypool come from? What had happened to her? Had they shared a similar fate? Cursedangel thought about how Memorypool behaved. She seemed to be in all the places Cursedangel visited. The thought of the nursery ran through the she-cat's mind, and she realized that Memorypool stayed away from the kits, as well. Her questions died as quickly as they'd formed. A muscle feathered her jaw as she clenched her teeth tightly. The deep cut across her very soul seemed to pulsate with fire, a warmth that almost made her think she really was bleeding deep inside. Cursedangel looked at Memorypool and couldn't help the change in her own expression, the slight warmth that took the chill from her eyes.

"Trying to get away from camp for a while?" Even the tiniest change in Cursedangel's voice made it seem less frightening and empty. Her eyes examined the she-cat before her, wondering at how alike they were. She was certain they had suffered similar tragedies. There was something about the way she felt around Memorypool, a deep empathy stemming from both their hearts, that made her certain it was so. She felt only a portion of that empathy from her sister, who knew the sting of betrayal. Only a cat that had lost those precious to her could share Cursedangel's pain. No one else could possibly understand. She blinked suddenly, as if realizing that she'd actually spoken to another cat of her own free will. Maybe... maybe I could trust her. Cursedangel tilted her head slightly to one side, her eyes boring into Memorypool's, slightly chilly but more like they were with her sister than with other cats. Yes. Maybe she could trust this cat. The thought made her feel a tiny speck of hope where there had been none for many moons.

[lonetear]

She saw the questioning look in Cursedangel's eyes and was relieved when it never was spoken. They already had a bit of an understanding, neither asking questions that might be painful to the other, though it was clear that they both had curiosities about the other. When words were finally spoken they seemed warmer then those that came before, a tiny spark of life in them.

"Yeah. I just needed some time to think." Her own voice was a bit warmer in response, not quite as cold and uncaring as before. She could tell that already they were connecting, understanding each other in a way different then any other cat. They were already more friendly with each other then they were with any other cat, more respectful. Maybe they really would become something like friends given enough time, perhaps they would be there to support the other. Reluctantly she pushed these thoughts away, these types of thoughts were dangerous, the last cat she had trusted betrayed her and it would be hard to open up to another. But still, the feeling was lingering.

"If you don't mind me asking, were you trying to get away from it as well."

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel glanced at Memorypool and then away, at the reservoir that she had thought of leaping into, disappearing beneath the cold waters never to resurface. Would she find quiet in death? That thought had plagued her, the need for silence, for peace. It seemed that even by herself she couldn't help hearing the voices in her head, the pitiful squeals of her kits, echoing in her mind as her young eyes looked on. Eyes that were barely used to the world, but were forced to look on to such suffering. Bitterness crept up into Cursedangel's heart, but she smothered it long enough to replace her cold wall, not as hostile but still hidden, so that the she-cat beside her would not see her pain.

"The noises. They remind me of things I'd rather forget." She said, realizing that she was being honest for once, answering a question for once. It was something that rarely happened with her - she just preferred to remain silent or to make up excuses to tell her inquisitive sister. But here she was, being honest, as she hadn't been since they died on her watch. It was not peace that her honesty invoked, but it was close enough for her aching heart.

[lonetear]

Memorypool watched the she-cat carefully. Her words had been a little surprising and she wondered exactly which sounds she didn't like, which sounds brought back painful memories. She herself knew the feeling of having things buried deep being drug back to the surface, how the pain hit every time as if it was new, as if she was reliving the experience over and over. She nodded her head slowly, her eyes softening for just a moment.

"I know what you mean." Her words were soft, almost as though they were meant for only herself and no one else to hear. But she knew Cursedangel would catch them. Slowly but surely they were beginning to reveal more and more about themselves without really realizing what they were doing. It was almost frightening. Memorypool never talked about this to any cat, even their leader knew nothing of her past save that she was born in Shadowclan. The rest of her clan knew even less then that. It was something she like to remember and though some said talking about painful experiences helped one get over it she didn't really believe that. She didn't believe that bringing up the past and talking about it would ever help her get over it, she didn't believe she ever would get over it. She wondered if the cat before her felt the same, felt that it was something painful that would never dull and fade.

[.:Lion:.]

OOC: Oh wow, she must have had to walk a really long ways O.o Like the journey back to the forest and a half! *is impressed*

BIC: Cursedangel inclined her head, knowing deep inside that Memorypool did understand. How the pain had come, that was unimportant. The story, that was all too agonizing to repeat. It was the experience that mattered - and that brought them together. The feelings that had been thrust upon them by fate had bound them together closer than even sisters could be. The bonds of loss were strong and near unbreakable. The reality of life was harsh for some, and those choice few that would suffer had an unspoken alliance to each other. They didn't have to talk, they didn't have to understand completely. It was a look, a feeling, a single sentence such as "I know what you mean" that satisfied the need for comprehension. Cursedangel looked at the she-cat before her and tilted her head to one side, a slight gesture that, for her, was equivalent to a smile, despite the absence of feeling on her careworn face.

[lonetear]

She could see that already they were growing close to each other. It was a strange feeling, she hadn't been close to any cat for so long, not since before she left her clan. Though neither of them said anything out loud there was that feeling of a bond forming. They both had deep scars left behind from their pasts and because of that they were connected. It was nice to feel not quite as alone as she did before, though it would take much time for her to really open up. Maybe in time she could be happy here, feel like she belonged. She didn't want to hope too much though, you never knew what the future would hold in store for you and it would do no good to get her hopes high just to have them crash down around her. She watched as Cursedangel tilted her head and she returned the gesture with a gentle flick of her tail. It made her wonder just what was in store for them.

[.:Lion:.]

"Curse! Curse!" Cursedangel started, turning in response to her sister's lively voice. Lilithnight appeared, her eyes bright and her tail waving. It was startling, sometimes, the difference between the two sisters. Cursedangel and Lilithnight had suffered similar betrayals, but each had decided to cope differently. Cursedangel was like their mother had been - silent and bitter towards the world. But Lilithnight had remained strong, had retained the hope that had long ago faded in her sister's heart. Cursedangel dipped her head to her sister in response to Lilithnight's warm smile. The blue-eyed she-cat started, though, when she saw that her stone-faced sister had company.

"Hello, Memorypool. Did I interrupt you two?" Lilithnight smiled at Cursedangel, who turned away. She hoped her sister wouldn't pick now to tell any cat of the circumstances that had caused her pain. Only Lilithnight knew that Cursedangel had borne kits at a very young age and lost them. Her sister rarely spoke of the past, but Cursedangel knew she did not always guard her words.

"We merely met by chance, Lilithnight." Cursedangel sighed.

"But you're being so friendly towards her. I'm sure you must have been talking about something?" Lilithnight nudged her sister playfully, her whiskers twitching. Cursedangel's eyes hardened and she hissed softly.

"Leave it be, Lilith." She snapped. Lilithnight blinked, not at all surprised with her sister's outburst but not quite expecting it either. She turned and looked at Memorypool, her expression inquisitive.

[lonetear]

A new voice startled her and her head whipped around to see who it was. Her eyes hardened once again and her ears flattened just a little bit. Her cold mask was back completely as she turned slightly to face the new cat. It was Lilithnight, sister to Cursedangel. It was almost comical to see them standing side by side, to see how different they were. But it was not in this least bit comical as to why they were so different. To an outsider they just appear as opposites, but to one who knew pain it was obvious that something had caused the difference.

Slowly she dipped her head in response to Lilithnight's greeting, then gently shook it in answer to the question. That would probably be about as much interaction as this cat would get out of her. She had been this way for so long that even responding to the question at all was difficult. Carefully she watched the sisters interact. Cursedangel seemed to be a bit annoyed by her sister's presence and almost a bit hesitant about her being here, like she was afraid of her spilling something that was best left unsaid. When Cursedangel finally snapped at her, Lilithnight's attention turned to Memorypool, an inquisitive look on her face. Her ears flattened just a bit more as she waited for whatever was to be said.

[.:Lion:.]

Lilithnight caught the guarded look in Memorypool's eyes and she turned back to her sister, her expression turning grim. Cursedangel wouldn't quite meet her gaze, and that was the only sign she needed.

"Alright then," she said tartly, "Keep your secrets. I thought I understood you, but it seems you can't tell what you're feeling to anyone. It's just like before..." Lilithnight's eyes seemed to cloud as memories overtook her, filling her thoughts with darkness and pain. Then they returned to their hot, idignant state.

"Lilithnight. There are things you will never understand about me. We both were hurt. But you can't comprehend what it's like..." Cursedangel's voice was beginning to show a semblance of emotion - anger, bitterness. It tinged her words and her expression. But suddenly her throat seemed to swell and she couldn't speak. The emotion choked her, pressing on her heart like heavy stones. She shook her head, signifying that she would say no more. Lilithnight wrinkled her nose.

"I may not have lost kits like you, Curse, but you're wrong if you think I don't care about you. You're wrong if you think I won't try to understand. Think about that." Lilithnight turned and began to walk away, looking ruffled. Cursedangel stared after her, a look of deep pain in her eyes. She had never thought Lilithnight would betray her secret to any cat. But it seems as though some old habits died hard between the two sisters.

[lonetear]

Blue eyes watched the sisters in confusion, not really sure what was going on but just understanding enough to know that Cursedangel was upset about her sister's words. The thing that confused her the most was how bitter Lilithnight seemed over the lack of what either herself or Cursedangel had to say to her. They weren't really keeping secrets, and they really hadn't talked about anything. But Lilithnight seemed to take offense to their silence.

She continued to watch in silence, part of her wanting to flee, to run as far as she could. She felt like she was spying on something that was none of her business, and to be honest whatever was going on between the two cats really wasn't any of her business. But at the same time she couldn't leave, she wanted to be of some support to Cursedangel, she knew what it was like to have family angry and turning their backs on you.

It was Lilithnight's last words that surprised her the most. "I may not have lost kits like you...". That was all sure heard of that sentence before everything seemed to slow down. The rest of the she-cat's words were faded, she could see her mouth moving but not hear what came out. She never would have guessed just how much her and Cursedangel had in common, never would have guessed that she too had once had kits. She snapped back into reality as Lilithnight turned and walked away. Slowly she moved closer to Cursedangel, touching her should lightly with her tail, a silent apology for everything.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel felt something soft, gentle. It was a feeling that she had not had much in her hard life, and her skin quivered at the unfamiliar sensation. Her eyes, cold and hurt and searching, turned to Memorypool. There was a look in her eyes that spoke her thoughts to Cursedangel, and she knew her suspicions were correct. They had both been mothers before. She could see it somehow in the expression on the she-cat's face. Cursedangel dipped her head slightly. To any other cat, she may have hated the gesture, but now she accepted it with a cold solemnity.

"I wouldn't have told her." She mewed softly, as if this made sense. But to her, it did. She kept thinking of the day she lost her kits, how she had sat beside them in the rain and tried to cry, even when no tears and no sounds would come. She remembered her sister walking up to her, eyes staring in disbelief. She had clung to Lilithnight since then, hoping that somehow things would be better between them. But it was true she wished her sister didn't understand what had happened. She just wanted her little kits to rest in peace. She didn't want any cat's sympathy or pity. She just wanted to know that there was someplace out there where those little lives she never got to know were happy. Were living in spirit, if nothing else. She longed for that. And it was the one thing she would probably never know.

[Magicheart]

Moonpaw raced past, trying to outrun the feelings he was having. He halted, his breath coming in deep gasps. He glanced side to side, and his mud-plastered fur bristled when he saw that he was intruding on a solemn moment between two of his clanmates. "I'm sorry." he panted. "I don't belong here." his voice was tight with pain, and seemed to insinuate more meaning than just busting in on a conversation that wasn't for him.

He had run back to camp to get away from Nightpaw and Briarpaw, only to find out that Summitstorm was no longer going to be his mentor. The leader hadn't explained in a way that made any sense to him. Summitstorm was the only cat he had felt a semblance of comfort around. Why didn't he want me? The young tom wanted to wail the words to the stars like he had seen Nightpaw doing. He sat a moment, miserable and completely exhausted. "I'll leave, just let me catch my breath." he meowed apologetically, his sides heaving.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel didn't start at the unexpected arrival of another Clanmate. She only glanced his way, her eyes hard but innocent in their sadness. The feelings of regret and agony that had been carved into her soul weighed like stones, tearing into her heart, making her unaware of the mundane reality she'd been forced to fade into. The apprentice's appearance seemed to make her thoughts resurface, though, and she focused her gaze on his face. He did seem out of breath. She tilted her head to one side, aware that usually she wouldn't say anything to him at all. She had a reputation for being silent as the grave. But something about his despaired, lost look told her that silence wouldn't help him. And she couldn't quite say why, but she wanted to help him.

"Take your time. You're welcome to stay if you really want to. Though you won't find much conversation I'm afraid." She tipped her head to one side, realizing just how boring and emotionless her voice was. She wished she could have some feeling again. She didn't want to be numb anymore. But the numbness was like a disease. It wasn't easy to get rid of.

[Magicheart]

Moonpaw's breath began to slow as he fixed his deep blue gaze onto the silvery tabby. He felt himself getting pulled into her gray eyes, a feeling similar to what he thought falling off one of the tribe's mountains would feel like-- a place where his feet churned empty air, and a thick, electric-charged grayness separated him from everything. It was a world void of noise, but the silence seemed to slam into his head, screaming in his ears. Moonpaw took a deep shuddering breath, trying to pull himself out of the overwhelming torrent of her memories.

His eyes looked bright as ever against his mud-plastered coat, but they suddenly grew very tired looking. She knows what suffering is. The ground beneath his paws seemed to suck all the energy out of his limbs. He blinked and looked back up to the two she-cats. "Some quiet company sounds awfully nice right about now." Moonpaw crept over with his shoulders hunched and sat on Cursedangel's other side. Moonpaw had never been to this part of the territory before. A strong breeze whipped around his body, but he didn't feel it's chill as it passed over the coating of dried earth covering his body. Patches of his beautiful sandy-red fur showed beneath. His eyes watered from the wind and he realized just how beautiful this place was.

[lonetear]

Her gaze slowly followed Cursedangel's to the newcomer, almost glad for his interruption. She hadn't known what to say to Cursedangel and she knew any words had to be careful, she didn't want to open anymore wounds then had already been open. So instead she took in the young cat that had joined them.

His pelt was patched with mud long dried and his sides heaved as he tried to regain what breath he had lost from the seemingly long run he had just been on. Grief was clear in he's eyes, the feeling of being lost and alone showing in every fiber of his being. It made her wonder what had happened to this young cat, none should ever look the way he did at this age. She didn't know much about this cat, only that he too had come from another place. It was a bit ironic that all three of them were outsiders, not truly belonging to Skyclan but having been taken in by them.

She was surprised when Cursedangel spoke and even more surprised by her invitation to stay. However she flicked her tail in greeting to Moonpaw before sitting herself, tail wrapping around her paws. She glanced between the two cats, noting the understanding that passed between them. It would seem they had found another addition to their group of cats with troubled pasts.

[Magicheart]

The wind settled and the sun slowly began to shimmer from behind a cloud, illuminating the canyons below the overlook, causing little flecks in the rock to sparkle like sand. Moonpaw's dark blue eyes drank in the sight. "I never thought anything would be beautiful after leaving the mountains. It's so odd that the stone is brown here instead of gray." he concluded simply. He felt like it would take him an eternity to get used to this territory, but maybe here was a place he could feel at peace somewhat.

Moonpaw liked how silent and accepting the she-cats seemed to be. They didn't inquire about why he looked or spoke so different from other cats. Their eyes didn't glitter with any mockery at his appearance. Maybe I don't have to give up what I love...even if Skyclan doesn't believe in it. he thought stubbornly. He felt too nervous to say anything else, as if this brief moment of serenity and fellowship would pass if he spoke. He felt his usual guard relaxing slightly for the first time since he was found by the Skyclan cats. He didn't feel the need to be so defensive and desperate to prove himself around them.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel listened, as she always did. She sat with her tail tucked around her paws, her cold grey eyes fixed on the apprentice's face. Her ears flicked a little at his comment about the scenery. She allowed her gaze to roam out to the horizon. She blinked a few times, stunned by what she saw. It had been a long time since Cursedangel focused on her surroundings, on the sheer beauty of life. She was looking not for a place to hide or lament, but simply looking. The trees were haloed in the soft gold light of the sun. Shadows speckled the cliffs, undefined in the pleasant lighting. The stones were breathtaking, a rosy hue spreading over their gentle grey surfaces. The Twolegplace could barely be seen; it was only a dark blur on the horizon, masked by the stately dark trees before it. Curse was astounded. Had she lived in SkyClan's territory this long and not noticed its beauty before? She felt something in her heart, like a tenderness that she had not felt in a long, long time. It was like love, but not quite the same. A love for beauty, perhaps. Whatever it was, it was a distinct and innate sense that every cat must have had, but many lost. Cursedangel's eyes pricked a little at the realization that just standing there and staring at the sun, she had found a piece of herself again.

"Yes," she meowed finally, her usually stone-cold voice trembling a little, "It's beautiful." She turned to the apprentice, noting his expression. It was not the same, perhaps, as her connection with Memorypool. But there was something with this cat that struck Cursedangel as it had with her other newfound acquaintance (for nothing with Cursedangel could quite be called friendship). She felt a smile gently form in her heart, the sort that shows through the eyes when the face is too tired and worn to express it.

"And what was it like? Your home?" Cursedangel asked, surprising herself. She was normally a self-centered cat, and cared nothing for anyone else. Her question tasted odd on her tongue - it had been a long while since she'd uttered one out of pure curiosity. Is this okay? Curse thought a bit worriedly, Is it alright for me to feel this way? She thought of her kits, but for some reason, she couldn't picture them as clearly as she used to. Are they fading away? She thought, alarmed. But there was something peaceful about that moment that struck Cursedangel. Perhaps... Her heart hesitated as her eyes stayed fixed on Moonpaw's face.

[Magicheart]

Moonpaw glanced over at the two she-cats, his gaze fixed on Cursedangel, surprised that she had taken an interest in his past. He saw the pale golden light of the sun hit her gray eyes, and they looked so much like the way the sun struck the mountains in his home and his heart ached. He glanced quickly away again, afraid that if he shared his love and memory of the tribe with another cat that it somehow wouldn't be his any longer. He stole a glance at the other she-cat, Memorypool, and gazed out over the territory again.

"Where I lived, the rocks stabbed up into the sky like giant teeth. All of them were gray... like..." Moonpaw glanced around, trying to find a reference point. "...like your eyes." he mumbled. He glanced at his paws before continuing. "There was a huge wall of tumbling water that our cave was behind. Everyday we were surrounded by the echoes of the falling water, which is what gave my clan, or tribe, it's name- The Tribe of Rushing Water. Since the mountains were so high and we were close to the water, it would be really cold, so we'd roll in the mud to keep the heat inside and the cold and wet out." He shrugged his small, but sculpted shoulders to indicate his own mud-covered pelt.

"Prey was scarce, so we'd follow the few rabbits and mice and use the mud to blend into the rocks. We'd wait until the giant birds would come down to catch them and then all leap on the birds for prey." he meowed, a longing and love starting to penetrate his voice as he thought of how incredible it actually was this his tribe hunted the giant birds. "We'd have to be very careful navigating the mountains though. If you looked down, you'd just see a yawning hole of blackness. It looked like you'd fall forever if you went in." The young apprentice closed his eyes, trying to picture everything clearly.

"I never wanted to leave, but some twolegs caught me one day near the base of one of the mountains and took me very far away. I escaped the nest they put me in and wandered around alone until Skyclan found me." he concluded simply, angry at how simple it sounded when it had been so devastating for him.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to find my way home. I'll have to learn how to love these rocks now, if I can." he meowed, his voice strained with bitterness and longing. He glanced at the two she-cats with a challenging stare, suddenly feeling exposed and wondering if they would even believe or care about his story.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel tried to imagine the scenes that Moonpaw painted. She narrowed her eyes, staring in the direction of the stones, imagining whole mountains and cuts in cliff sides so deep the bottom could not be seen. She sensed emotion deep within the tom's voice, and her eyes inevitably found their way back to him. She wondered what had tied him down to one place so strongly. She could remember only snippets of her life in the damp, grungy alleys of the Twolegplace she grew up in. It seemed to her that the beauty was here, in SkyClan's territory. She just had never noticed it before. She listened as Moonpaw told her of the reasons he had left his home - that he had been dragged away against his will. She thought of the little lives she'd watched die out, and her heart ached for him. She understood what it felt like to be helpless. To see something you love leave you behind. Cursedangel dipped her head to the tom, feeling a welling emotion - the first feelings she'd truly experienced in a long, long time.

"It's admirable," she said softly, her eyes narrowing slightly, as if she were pondering her own words, "That you would aspire to change, to experience new things. Some cats... some cats that suffer don't realize that life goes on. They remain stuck in the past, always pining over something they can't get back..." Cursedangel stared off into the distance, struck by the realization that she had come to. It would take time, she realized. She couldn't change all at once. But now that she had found the problem, maybe she could move on. Maybe my kits will finally rest in peace... She thought solemnly.

[Magicheart]

Moonpaw twitched his ears. He hadn't expected any kind of sympathy. He hadn't gotten any so far. His fur tingled, and for the first time, he felt at a loss for words. Moonpaw glanced over at Cursedangel, watching her gray eyes fixed on the horizon. Her eyes were dulled with a pain that had long eaten away at her from the inside. Moonpaw had seen those eyes before, on an elder from the Tribe of Rushing Water just before he had died. One that had seen his clan almost lose their home many times, and had seen a lifetime full of pain. Eyes that said "I give up."

But she is so young... the young tom thought. Whatever had caused this grief must have been greater than anything he had ever known. He suddenly felt small as another strong gust of wind buffeted his fur and nearly made him lose his footing. "I would never let my past rule me." he meowed, realizing that what had been fueling him on was his anger. Or was it his hope of seeing his family again? Or was it the anger of knowing that his hope was hopeless?

"Life is short. If I spent it grieving for what I have lost, I wouldn't be living it. I think that would make the ones I miss even more lost to me." he murmured, his heart aching at his own words. He suddenly felt guilty for how prickly and distant he had been from the clanmates that had taken him in, but he was afraid that letting go of his anger meant forgetting about his family, his home, his way of life...and that he'd lose it forever.

[.:Lion:.]

Cursedangel's attention was redirected back to Moonpaw as he spoke. As his voice hummed in her ears, her expression changed visibly. His words slowly seemed to chink off the stone walls around the she-cat's heart, and she thought of her kits and how they would be lost to her, but mourning over them would undoubtedly make the loss hurt more. She looked at Moonpaw with surprise in her eyes - what else could she feel? She had never thought such a young cat could be so smart. But then, hadn't she been young when she led Lilithnight through the Twolegplace, supporting them like the mother they had never truly had? A strange expression crossed over Cursedangel's face then. Her eyes softened and her mouth turned upwards slightly in the tiniest but most genuine smile she had given in many, many moons.

"Thank you," she said very quietly, feeling the word to the very center of her soul. It spread warmth through her cold heart, making her feel alive again. And she regained something she had lost once, when she watched the lives of her kits seep out before her. Hope.