Lost it All (open)

[nightsong]

Run away, I'm living with a hole inside

The moon hung high in the sky and a crisp cool breeze ruffled the tree branches making them creak. It seemed as if the moon cast an eery misty glow over the jet black she-cat as she padded over the brown leaves that crunched softly under her paws. A light snow covered the ground and bit into Nightsong's pads as she trudged on. Some of her silky fur on her legs was wet and matted to her skin but she could care less, tonight was a one of a kind night. Sometimes in leaf-bare the wind would pick up so badly that the tree branches would be stretching their spindly fingertips to the ground, and other time, like tonight, it would be calm and peaceful.

Nightsong thrived for nights like these, nights where the only thing she had to worry about was keeping warm. Her warrior duties hadn't been to bad lately, and she had been told that she was to become a mentor soon which had filled her with pride and joy. Nightsong worked hard to prove herself to her clan, so hard that sometimes she never thought about herself. That was what nights like these were for, nights where she could be alone. Her sinewy muscles rippled beneath her pelt as she jumped on top of a fallen tree and began to lick her paws. Her golden-yellow eyes glowed as she scanned the pine forest, searching for any form of movement. Since it was leaf-bare food was scarce and while she was out on these moonlit walks Nightsong often looked for food to bring back to the camp.

Purring contently Nightsong sat on the log in silence, content to be by herself. This lasted for a bit until Nightsong heard the slightest rustling noise, she pricked her ears and cocked her head to the side listening closely. The longer she listened the louder and closer the noise got until it finally stopped. Nightsong sat perched on the log, claws unsheathed, muscles taught, waiting and watching for the slightest movement.

A piece of me that I have yet to find, the edge of reason lies uneven

[Lemon Zinger]

f.e.r.n.p.a.w

don't cry it doesn't help anyway
things will stay the same
it will never matter who i am
if only my emotions were tame

The forest. Alone. That is how Fernpaw liked to be. She liked to be alone. Alone in the silence of her thoughts. Alone in the quiet of her fears. Alone in the depths of her heart she hide from view.

my heart is a black hole i hide from you
don't get too close i don't want you swept in too

Wising her fears could just be sated, Fernpaw tried to talk herself out of crying. Again. "After all, what does it help?" She asked the forest. "What can tears do that claws can't? Tears can't frighten enemies. Tears can't change anything."

maybe breathless words will convince me
maybe they'll bring healing to set me free

At the moment, however, those thoughts did nothing to stop the tears that slowly slid down her cheeks. She could reason it all in her mind, but convincing her heart was another matter. She continued forward until she realized she noticed someone was up ahead. She stopped, but by the posture of the cat perched on the log, she knew that her presence was known. "Hello." She said, sliding out into the open.

[nightsong]

Nightsong relaxed slightly when she realized that the noise had just been another she-cat. Jumping down from the log she padded over toward the young she-cat and sat in front of her, cocking her head to the side and looking the cat over. "Hello, it's a bit late for you to be sneaking around in the forest isn't it?" Eyes alight with mischief Nightsong stood up and padded away, jumping back up to her log again. She sniffed at the crisp air and let the wind snag at her pelt, tonight the forest was full of life and it felt amazing. She turned to look back at the other cat and gave a slight purr of amusement. "That's okay though, when I was an apprentice I snuck out of camp all the time." Nightsong flicked her tail and studied the she-cat once more, this time noticing that she was upset.

"My name is Nightsong. Tell me, what are you doing out here this late at night? Come to be alone like me?"

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw relaxed as she realized this warrior wasn't going to drag her back to camp to face her mom and mentor. It would not be ideal to wake Birchstar and Riversong up at this time of night anyway. She padded over to the log and looked up at the black cat perched majestically above. "Fernpaw. And yes, I like to be alone." Fernpaw hadn't meant that rudely, and for once the way it sounded didn't seem like she was pushing the other cat away. Nightsong wasn't her mentor and she wasn't the cat who had chosen to become clan leader over rearing her kits. And she wasn't dragging Fernpaw back to camp so she could face punishment for sneaking off. She was actually being friendly, which was more than Fernpaw usually got.

[nightsong]

Nightsong looked down at Fernpaw kindly, she knew who Fernpaw was because of her mother, but that didn't mean she was going to treat the apprentice different from any other. "Yes, it is nice to be alone every once in a while. I remember my days as an apprentice, always trying to prove myself to my mother. My father knew that I was capable from the beginning, but my mother was, and still is, different." Nightsong wrinkled her nose a bit in annoyance but kept her kind attitude. She normally wasn't this talkative or nice but Fernpaw had caught her in a good mood. Shaking the snow of her pelt Nightsong swished her tail over the clean spot that was on the log next to her. "You don't have to be a stranger, come up here and sit down if you would like."

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw was glad of the invitation. Had it come from anyone else, she probably would have refused. It was a short leap to the top of the log and she joined the other she-cat in sitting. "My mother thinks I'm a problem" She said. Her heart just feared it was true. It was a beautiful night as the moon shone onto the snow and lit up the peaceful scene. It was growing a little foggy, but Fernpaw didn't mind. It made her feel like she was further away from camp, which was a good thing. She loved the feeling of being out here with Nightsong and not having to worry about what she thought. To just be able to enjoy the night and not have to think about the next day. It was like a whole different scene from what she had been facing moments before. Her tears had fled, and though her heart wasn't sunny yet, the moon was still shining through those heavy clouds.

[nightsong]

Nightsong listened to Fernpaw's words and thought hard about what to say. She wouldn't tell her that she was sorry, or that she knew how she felt, Nightsong had learned that those words usually just made the other cat angry. Instead Nightsong looked up toward the moon and spoke softly "My mother was always too overprotective of me, and it made me so angry. I went to my father about it and he told me 'Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted it must be changed. If it cannot be changed then it must be accepted.'" Nightsong paused to let her words drift through the air like leaves drifting in the wind. Her father was very wise, and that was one of the reasons she always looked up to him. "In my mind I had to accept the fact that my mom would always worry about me. The thing that I changed was I worked even harder to become stronger, and it eventually payed off."



Nightsong flicked her tail back and forth slowly, letting the wind whip through it and remove the small snow flakes from it. "If your mother think you are a problem you can either accept it, or prove to her that you are not a problem."

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw thought about what Nightsong had said. In her heart, she agreed, but she didn't know how to change what Birchstar thought of her. She knew she was troublesome, but she was hurting and didn't know how to show it or express it. She wanted Birchstar to be just her mom again, not the leader. But that wouldn't change. Birchstar wouldn't step down, not for anything. Not unless Starclan told her to. "But how can I change what someone else thinks?" She asked, trying not to whine, but knowing she probably sounded like she was. She didn't mean to, she was just fed up with the situation. Fed up with the fear, fed up with the guilt. She wished she had been born to any other cat. Or that she'd been too young to know who her real mother was. Accept it or change it.. Fernpaw wondered if she could change who her mother was.

[nightsong]

Nightsong's tail twitched in slight agitation as she noticed Fernpaw's anguish. She understood that since Birchstar was leader of the clan her prime duty was to Shadowclan but her duty as a mother should have followed close behind. If only Birchstar would sit down and listen to Fernpaw like Nightsong was then she would realize how much trouble the apprentice was going through. Nightsong's eyes flashed when she realized that Fernpaw's mentor wasn't paying as much attention as they should either. A mentor may only be there to help an apprentice trane but in Nightsong's mind a mentor should also be a friend who is always willing to listen.


Tilting her head to the side in thought Nightsong was quiet for a while. She wanted to help Fernpaw, she didn't know why, she just felt as if it was the right thing to do. "You should be happy with who you are Fernpaw. If you are not happy with yourself than you will never truly be happy. To change your mothers opinion you must prove yourself to her, but first you must prove yourself to yourself."She turned her head to look at Fernpaw and her eyes shown with wisdom. "You need to be yourself, no matter what anyone else says. And if you wish to change, it must be for you, and no one else."

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw sighed. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought, but still, she wanted to be a different cat. She just didn't know how to do that. She didn't know how to go from being withdrawn and angry to the lovable and kind apprentices that her clanmates were. She was beginning to believe the stories about Tigerclan and the darkness that was cast into their hearts from hunting in the shadows. She was beginning to believe there was never going to be a perfect solution. She didn't even know where to start.

She stared at the log beneath her paws and tried to reason out her next course of action. She knew she had had to do something, but she didn't know where to begin. She was at odds with so many cats: Birchstar, Riversong, Bramblepaw... even Owlfeather was a little miffed at her behavior.

[nightsong]

Nightsong paused for a moment before lifting her tail and letting the tip of it rest on Fernpaw's shoulder. "Changing yourself is not easy, and it is deffinatly not something you can do overnight." She paused to remove her tail from Fernpaw's shoulder and wrap it around her own paws. "It took me a while to change myself, and some cats didn't notice but the important thing was that I noticed the change." Nightsong stood up and stretched, sheathing and unsheathing her claws a few times before she finally jumped down from the log. Licking a tiny snowflake from her chest Nightsong turned to look up at Fernpaw and there was nothing but kindness and understanding in her eyes.

"Fernpaw, if you want to change or fix things than you must first start out with small changes. Maybe sharing tongues with some old friends and opening up to them. It won't be easy, but in the long run I think you will find that it will make you a lot happier."

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw didn't really want to be alone again, so she jumped down to join Nightsong after one last wishful glance at the stars. She reached the ground and a shiver went up her legs as the cold snow registered in her senses. She shook it away though and took a step towards Nightsong. "But what if they won't talk to me?" Fernpaw asked. "Especially Birchstar, she's too busy for me." Fernpaw thought she might be able to repair things with Riversong and Bramblepaw, and Owlfeather would forgive her if she started to behave better, but Birchstar was a completely different matter. She was a leader.

Plus she was busy. It was the middle of leaf-bare, which was the hardest season. She didn't think Birchstar could possibly make time for her. She hadn't when Fernpaw and Bramblepaw had been kits anyway. And now Bramblepaw and his mentor Owlfeather were like best friends while Fernpaw was left without anyone to call friend. She knew that had been partially her fault, but now what?

[nightsong]

Nightsong smiled and gave Fernpaw a reassuring purr "Be brave Fernpaw. I am sure that if you were to try and talk to Birchstar, and ask her if she had any time to talk that she would be willing to listen to you." Nightsong inclined her head to the stars and spoke in a soft kind voice "I once had a dream in which a cat from Starclan visited me. I remember them saying that there was nothing stronger than a friendship, ones duty for their clan, and a mothers love for her kits." She looked at Fernpaw once more and tilted her head to the side in a playful way, almost as if she was challenging the apprentice. "It may be hard to mend some of your relationships, especially the one with Birchstar, but you are a strong apprentice and I am sure you will be up to the challenge."


Shivering slightly Nightsong padded forward a few steps before looking back at Fernpaw "And if you ever need to share tongues I am always here. Now come, lets get back to camp. It is getting late and I am cold."

[Lemon Zinger]

"Alright Nightsong." Fernpaw said, padding along behind. She was cold to, but wouldn't admit it. She just continued to follow along, lost in thoughts. And then she remembered on small detail that had been forgotten. She had dawn patrol. Holding back a sigh, she tried to figure out just what to say to Rainsong. An 'I'm sorry.' just didn't seem to cut it for this sort of thing.

Then she thought back to what Nightsong had said. "Wait!" Fernpaw's voice echoed in the forest as she hastened forward a few steps to catch up. "You had Starclan walk in your dreams?" She asked, eyes wide as she looked up at Nightsong. Now that was truly unique.

[nightsong]

Nightsong padded beside Fernpaw quietly, lost in the deep abiss of her own thoughts. She was worried about being a mentor, it wasn't that she thought she couldn't do it, she just wondered if she would do a good job. Her paws made imprints in the snow that covered the barren ground, but for the most part she ignored the cold. As a warrior she was prepared for the harshness of winter. Her pelt ruffled up as a strong breeze swept across her and Fernpaw, but that was the only sign of life besides the slight russles of leaves blowing in the wind.

Nightsong was startled when Fernpaw yelled out to her. It disturbed the quietness that had settled over the forest. Her question stumped Nightsong and her ears turned hot, causing her to duck her head and pad forward quicker. "Yes, but please don't make a big deal about it. And don't tell anyone."

[Lemon Zinger]

"I won't, I promise. Fernpaw said, She was still in awe of the other warrior. Too bad Nightsong had a new apprentice or Fernpaw might've asked her mother to switch. Still, she knew Nightsong would make a marvelous mentor. She was kind and patient and... well she was just all around a nice cat.

Instead she thought about Nightsong's dream. How amazing that must have been. Fernpaw wished she could have seen her warrior ancestors and have them give her a bit of guidance. It would make her feel more like they cared about her and not just the warriors, leaders, and medicine cats. "That would be amazing...." Fernpaw mused out loud without realizing it.

[nightsong]

"Thank you, Fernpaw" Nightsong turned and mewed at the apprentice kindly. It wasn't often that she told other cats about the dreams she had been gifted with from Starclan. She hadn't had that many, just three or four over the last few moons. It was an amazing experience but at the same time it frightened Nightsong. She was a warrior, not a medicine cat, there was no reason for her to be recieving these dreams, yet she had anyway. Once again Nightsong was lost in the void of her own thoughts, she had just made friends with Fernpaw and she wished that she had been her mentor. Maybe if she had than Fernpaw wouldn't be as lonely as she was now. Still being friends with the young apprentice was good enough for Nightsong, she couldn't have everything.


Nightsong chuckled softly at Fernpaw's choice of words as they made their way to camp. "Amazing, yes. But it was still scary, I prefer to have dreams where I am not visited by my ancestors. That way I don't have to worry if there is any hidden meaning behind it."

[Lemon Zinger]

But don't they help you?" Fernpaw asked. She was assuming everyone would love to be visited by their warrior ancestors and was confused when Nightsong said she'd prefer she wasn't. Fernpaw then thought about what that might mean. Their ancestors typically didn't just visit any ordinary cats, they visited the ones destined to be leaders or heroes. The weight of responsibility would be great.

"I think I get it now." Fernpaw said quietly. "You worry that it might be a a big responsibility?" She guessed. She didn't want to offend Nightsong, but she was curious.

[nightsong]

Nightsong wanted to answer Fernpaw honestly but she wasn't sure exactly how she should go about it. The truth was her dreams did help her but they often confused her at the same time. Medicine cats and leaders got these dreams, cats destined for greatness. And Nightsong, well she was simply a warrior who was trying to do her best for her clan and make sure that she would be a good mentor. Her job as a warrior wasn't that challenging and she had to admit that at times it got boring, but she knew it was what she had been born to do.

Fernpaw's words struck at Nightsong's hard and she turned to look at the apprentice with sad eyes. "For one so young you are indeed smart." Pausing for a moment Nightsong looked up to the stars and sighed. "Yes, I am scared. When I was a kit all I dreamed of was becoming a warrior. I didn't want or expect much else. But I think Starclan may have a different path for me, possibly a path that I don't want." Her gaze drifted back to hold Fernpaw's. "It's foolish but I used to always dream of becoming a warrior, finding a mate, serving my clan, and having kits. There are paths out there that some must take where you have to give up some of those things. I am not sure if I am willing to take that chance."

[Lemon Zinger]

"You'd make a good mom" Fernpaw said quietly. She meant it too. She recognized the same choice her mother had to make, and chose wrongly, according to Fernpaw. Nightsong sounded like she wouldn't want the life of a leader if she'd have to give up her kits. Now why couldn't that be Fernpaw's mom? Why could't Birchstar have chosen her family. Now there was a giant wedge in it. Was it something Fernpaw had done? What hadn't she done to make Birchstar love her more than the clan?

She liked Nightsong, liked her a lot, and was glad to have met her out here. She wished she was like this around the other cats in camp too, maybe then they would see that she wasn't just some wayward apprentice always causing trouble. That all she needed was a friendly paw like Nightsong's to help her find out who she was supposed to be.

[nightsong]

Nightsong had to admit that she was a bit startled when Fernpaw told her that she would be a good mom. Nightsong liked to believe that she would be a good mother but in her heart she had a feeling that she might never get the chance to have her own kits. It was almost as if she had finally accepted the path that lay before her, and it was with a heavy heart that she did so. A tom would never want to be with her if she couldn't give him any kits. Sighing she shook her head but turned to look at Fernpaw with kind eyes. "Thank you Fernpaw, that means a lot to me."


They were almost at camp now and Nightsong was full of energy, she would probably go back out on a hunting patrol soon. Stopping at the entrance to camp she mewed in a quiet voice "Be strong Fernpaw, and don't let them talk you down. You are a very strong cat and will make an oustanding warrior someday."

[Lemon Zinger]

"You're welcome Nightsong." Fernpaw said in response to the mother compliment. Then she listened to Nightsong as she encouraged Fernpaw. The young apprentice was taken aback by how much belief Nightsong had in her, and she was delighted. She wanted to impress Nightsong, to really put effort into changing.

She wanted to show Nightsong, and her mother, that she could be a good warrior. That she could be someone that deserved their trust and encouragement. She just didn't know how to go about doing that. "I will do my best Nightsong." She promised the warrior. "Thanks for all your advice... and for not getting me in trouble for sneaking out of camp."

[nightsong]

Nightsong was very happy that she seemed to have made an impression on Fernpaw. She saw potential in every single apprentice, but there were some that she knew would make great warriors, warriors that would be remembered for many moons after they were dead. She believed in Fernpaw because for whatever reason she saw something in Fernpaw that was just waiting to come out. Unlike most apprentices sneaking out Fernpaw had treated Nightsong with respect, and she had opened up to Nightsong even though they had barely known eachother. Fernpaw was different, in her own way, and Nightsong knew that she would become a great warrior, it was a gut feeling.


In a way, Fernpaw reminded Nightsong of herself when she was an apprentice. Chuckling she mewed with amusement "Oh, I did a lot worse when I was an apprentice." Before walking into camp Nightsong placed the tip of her tail on Fernpaw's shoulder. "I am really glad that we met, it's not every day that I make a new friend."

[Lemon Zinger]

Fernpaw smiled and nuzzled Nightsong's side with her head. "It was nice to meet you too." She said, looking with hesitation at the apprentice den. She didn't really want to go back in there, but it was growing cold and she shivered. She coughed a little, and wondered if her little nighttime outting was getting her sick.

Oh that would be just lovely. She thought.